AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAROON 5 BLOKE

Alright lad... you still stuck in that payphone or what?

Because every time I turn the radio on, there you are, warbling about being in a payphone trying to call home... la la la laaa laaa laaaaaa lalalala yooouu.  Or something.

Its getting a bit old now,  I’m a bit bored of it.  I was concerned of your plight upon the first time hearing said song, but now I have heard it about 872 times it has sprung a few questions in my mind about the legitimacy of your dilemma.

Who even uses payphones these days?

Are you bad scruff or what? You sold 8 million copies of “Moves Like Jagger”  .. You’d think you’d be able to afford a phone that has a contract, so you’d never run out of credit? Don’t tell me you’ve spent the entire proceeds already on vintage t-shirts and skinny jeans?  

OK so maybe you have a contract phone, but the battery is dead? (Probably from listening to your own songs all day on speaker)

So lend yer mate’s phone? You aren’t out on the piss ON YOUR OWN are you? You have got mates right?  And unless they are all bad scruffs who haven’t topped up their PayAsYouGo either?   If that is the unfortunate case, you need new mates. But for an immediate solution to your problem, just lend a bird’s phone?  Some bad slag will absolutely be trying to get a photo with you for her Instagram..  Just say “Here girl, lend us that phone a minute there”  and she will probably lend you her thong as well.

Just do whatever you can so you don’t need to use a Tramps Piss Stinking payphone?  Be resourceful lad.

How are you ‘trying to call home’ as such and what’s taking you so long?

Are you that rat-arsed that you can’t dial the number?  That pissed that you’re ringing the number of the place you used to live when you were 17?  That would be acceptable.

Or is yer bird swerving you and not answering because she’s sick of your skinny jeans that haven’t been washed since 2009?

Or is the line busy? Bet she’s on to her Ma chatting shit.   Unlucky lad.

But here’s an idea.  Call her mobile.   Who uses landlines in real life?

How have you ‘spent all your change’?

Everyone knows you don’t put yer 10p in until they answer.  Even bad divvies who can’t spell know this.


IN GENERAL:

In general, please get the fuck out of the payphone and fuck off. 

There’s some kids there who want to ring the fire brigade for a joke and you’re spoiling their fun.

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